IVF Thoughts

Today we found out that our 2nd IVF failed. Anyone who has been on this roller coaster knows how emotional and draining it is. For me, I start off with hope, dreaming of what our baby will be like, how we will decorate the nursery, what kind of parents we will be. Then I start overanalyzing everything my body is doing-am I tired because I'm pregnant or did I just have a long day? Does my stomach hurt because the embryo is implanting or did I eat too much? Every scenerio crosses your mind. It's tiring. Then the day comes when we will find out the results. My heart races each time my phone rings and I try my best to prepare for whatever news I hear. Since we began this journey a few years ago, that news has not been what we hoped for. It's heartbreaking. I immediately start wondering what went wrong, what I did wrong and how unfair this is. I immediately lose all hope that we will ever be parents. Results day has not been good for me. I typically am mean to Daryl, cry until my eyes are swollen, mope around and feel sorry for myself for a good while. I get mad at God for hurting my feelings and allowing this to happen. Today's result day was different.

For a while now, Daryl has been trying to help me to stop feeling sorry for myself and keep a more realistic approach. He often says to me "what if this is a test?" A test of our faith, of how we handle tough situations, of how we treat each other. But, being the good wife that I am, I listen to him and then continue to wallow in self pity. I believe that this could be a test, but I haven't done anything to change that. I was pretty miserable this cycle and didn't have much hope that it could work. If it was a test, I didn't care-I couldn't do anything about it. At church this Sunday, I felt like the message was meant just for me. To sum it up it went something like this-Think of your most difficult situation that you are going through. You are going through this difficult time under the guidance of God. He wants to do something in and through you. If you focus on how unfair and hard your situation is, every time you will miss what God wants to do. So, because my focus has been on me, I've been missing the things I need to learn. For some reason, I have been focusing on Daryl's thoughts and the message we heard on Sunday. That's why today was different. Of course I'm disappointed, sad and I still cried a bit, but I've done my best to not feel sorry for myself. Finally I see that this is a test and I want to pass! I don't want to miss out on lessons I need to learn to be a better wife, mom or friend. I'm certain I will fail at times, but I have hope. I have no idea why we've been chosen to go on this journey. I can't say it's fun, but it's the cross we've been asked to carry. We haven't shared our journey to everyone we meet, but if people ask, we don't lie. The past few years, the past few months in particular, we have been blessed with more and more people praying, supported us, comforting us when we get bad news and helping us to stay positive. Some people we barely know, yet they are willing to help carry us through this. I think that's pretty cool.

I just heard this song on the radio and I think it sums up how I'm feeling right now:

"Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming"

Our 1st fresh cycle-2, 8 cell embryos

2nd cycle-frozen-1 blastocyst